Spoilers

The latest Star Wars movie drops this week and the internet is abuzz with speculation about how The Rise of Skywalker will end the nine-part family space saga. Given the sense of ownership fans have for the franchise, the producers might consider including a fan or two in one of their future films. Someone, say, like me. Fortunately, I’ve written some notes for my Star Wars spin-off.

FADE IN: A long time ago, in a pipe dream about 15 minutes ago…

Anyone who’d pitch a Star Wars flick based on themselves would hail from the oilier side of the galaxy. I accept this. There you’ll find me as Lando Calrissian’s PR guy, having discredited myself as a reporter at the Dagobah Post Dispatch (we’ll get back to that). I’d have my own humanoid protocol droid (“E-3PO,” the snarky silver one from The Empire Strikes Back) and maybe a pet Ewok with a drinking problem (for comic relief).

Things are copasetic, that is until house-sitting Lando’s bachelor pad gets out of hand. Let’s just say a small house party for a couple of hundred close friends turns into mayhem when some Wookies crash it. Meanwhile, the ravishing adopted daughter of Grand Moff Tarkin, makes off with my boss’s prized Kyber Crystal (it enables practitioners of either side of the Force to raise the dead). But we don’t know this yet. No one knows this, which is why it’s just sitting on Lando’s fireplace mantle.